The Daily Fail.

I hear a lot of people talk smack about how babies should be in a strict routine, so for anyone else feeling attacked by that I thought I'd share my FAILY DAILY morning routine:
5.30- 6AM-  hear baby cry over monitor - swear a lot, stumble over all the flotsam and jetsam all over the hall floor (vow to move it/put stuff away- never do)
Try my best to feed baby back to sleep while she claws at my face/tits/nostril hair/phone/any fucking thing.
Swear under my breath.
6 AM -Take her downstairs, immediately forget to change her nappy, put Glee on, try to to cuddle her as she claws at my face/tits/phone
6.15 AM - cry at an emotional rendition of Beyonce classics redone and autotuned by a Glee cast member.
6.30 AM - Remember to change baby's nappy, manically try and distract the baby from screaming because I dare put her into a clean nappy, try to sing Old macdonald louder than her screams whilst vigorously shaking a rattle with one hand and holding her down with the other.
6.34 AM - Give up, let her rome about without a nappy on for a bit - who doesn't need air to their vagina?!
6.34.03 AM- Look at my phone for THREE SECONDS...find baby break dancing in her own piss...swear loudly.
6.35 AM - Clean up baby, wrangle her into a nappy, sing a song, read a book or 6, build 15 towers for her to knock down until she gets distracted and crawls off to find some broken glass or something chokeable I haven't noticed on the floor.
07.00 AM - Sneak off to the kitchen to stuff as many Baby Belle into my mouth as I possibly can before she notices I'm gone...
07.01 AM - She squawks, I poke my head in and out of the kitchen and try to make it peekaboo - she is not fooled. Pulling the face of an abandoned church doorstep baby and crying instant heartbreaking tears I pick her up and try not to burn her as I lovingly make her a fresh, organic obvs (ugh I hate myself) omelette which she eats approximately 1/19th of and splats the rest into her hair, her eyes, her neck, her leg creases and all over my pyjamas- because I probably am not dressed.
7.30 AM - Attempt a nap...make the setting right, get the white noise, the fan, the lovely star projector, black out that room til not a single beam of light can be found, stroke her tiny beautiful eyebrows until she falls asleep, put her down, creep out of the room with my new found super power mum agility, jump into the shower (quietly) and try to wash my hair...as soon as the shampoo is on a bubbled up...you got it! She wakes up. 4 min nap. Excellent.