Thursday, 26 January 2017

The shit storm...

I have just had one of the most dangerous wee's of my life!

Fuelled by 2 pints of water, a tall, soy, decaff, burnt caramel latte and two glasses of Prosecco, I had already checked out the minuscule toilet cubical on the Megabus I had splashed out on, for the 6 hour drive back to London, to discover to my horror a giant, fresh, gleaming turd staring back at me from under the toilet lid! 

Now, that turd was fresh. That turd had been there for no longer than 15 minutes. Which meant the turder was definitely watching the toilet door nervously or proudly (?!) as no one from upstairs where I was sat had used the toilet yet. Gagging I panicked and slammed down the lid hoping to locate the flush. You would think it would be easy to spot in a tiny sliver of a room but no of course I pulled the emergency button!

Obviously I froze with fear desperately thinking up ways to ensure people knew I did not do this monstrosity of a poo without sounding like I actually did it! But fortunately this being the Megabus no one gave a shit...(hahah!) If I had fallen down dead or been sucked down the toilet, no one would have noticed let alone come to my rescue... After waiting what felt like a long time I unfroze, located the flush and hoped for the best. I needed to use the loo and badly (FYI - not for a poo). All went smoothly and I left the toilet without having to explain myself to anyone. Fast forward 2 hours. I am yet again desperately in need of a wee, this time it's worse. 
I'd been putting it off, trying to ignore it. Knowing what I will face if I have to go back to that toilet...But I'm getting old and my bladder isn't what it used to be, so crippled with the pain of my full bladder I reluctantly go back to the toilet. Firstly I wait for literally 10 minutes, I am hearing lots and lots of flushing noises and the notorious stench of shit. (Anyone who goes to festivals will appreciate this) but alas I have no choice, I will literally wet myself if I don't brave it. Finally a very guilty and empty looking man stumbles out, he looks up at my desperate glare and away from my accusing eyes. He and I both know that what I'm about to go through is going to be bad. Very bad and significantly worse than what has just taken place in there between himself and the toilet. 

I enter..I step in and peer nervously at the toilet. The lid is down - this isn't a good sign. I take a deep breath and try to ignore the poo molecules that I am currently inhaling (in my mind they are hundreds of tiny poo emoji's being sucked up my nostrils with every breath.) I take out a tissue (I came prepared) and use it as a glove to open the lid. The toilet is now just a blocked bucket of about 17 people's pisses and poo's. It's all swirling around together like a big poop cauldron. 
Am suddenly very aware that I have no choice in this. I HAVE to pee. I am so very hydrated that MY pee could very well be the pee that pushes this situation to an overflowing tsunami of community shit. Carefully I wipe down the seat (I plan to hover but what with the bus drivers erratic driving, my plan could definitely fail) to be fair that's the least of my worries - I could be about to create a literal shit storm. I start to pee very tentatively at first but then I realise I need to hurry, what if the driver has to break hard and I have to spend 2 more hours on this bus draped in other people's excrement?! 
So then I start power pissing or try to! (Why when you need to hurry does your wee just decided to take its time?! It's spent 2 hours pushing up against your bladder causing physical pain and then it's get all shy?!) 

Thankfully I manage to finish without falling down the toilet, causing an overflow and/or touching anyone else's urine!!! I have survived and I have nothing else to do but wait for the next two hours praying I don't have to pee! 

Shitty Lo