Wednesday, 7 October 2015

How Hummurous...


People always say 'look on the bright side' and 'think positively' but it’s really hard to do that when you start your day running late for work and then realising you've left your keys upstairs, which leads to tripping up the stairs, and trying to recover your step you lunge forwards but in doing so you step on the ridiculously long scarf you have wrapped around your neck and strangle yourself.

Once recovered from that and you're on your way to work (running/wheezing and sweating) you receive a text from your ex asking if he ever told you about 'the date with the girl and the quiche' cue adding 2+2 together and coming up with 675...I'm not overreacting I'm just mathslexic - dyscalculia for those of you with dyslexia. 

Basically I can't look at numbers without breaking into a sweat but that’s a whole other post!

I get through the gates to work and promptly throw my umbrella under an 18 wheeler lorry causing me to shout 'Fucking hell' really loud...in a place of education!

I get in to work to find the hot guy is in today and promptly set about trying to act cool- the problem being in trying to act cool, is the same as anything I do - it goes wrong. So here I am trying to be breezy and chilled in front Mr Glittery eyes and I suddenly need my inhaler (obvs) needless to say being cool and having asthma don't go hand in hand (although a couple of times the damsel in distress act hasn't gone down too badly, but you just have to try not to cough up phlegm/throw up on them/both - both of these things have happened to me)

So I reach into my bag and to my horror put my hand in something cold, slimy with a strange texture. I pull my hand out and smell it before I see it. Hummus. Yesterday's hummus that's been festering, unrefrigerated, all night long. Really garlicky, slightly gone off, pungent hummus. Glittery eyes is looking at me absolutely pissing himself laughing, quite rightly so...but it's hard to be alluring covered in a smelly substance. I mean I struggle when I'm freshly washed and dressed so this definitely isn't one of my most attractive moments. So I start to take out the contents of my bag one by one, the themes of the items coming out of my bag vary from ridiculous to embarrassing to just plain vile.

Firstly I forage around and pull out one by one an embarrassing amount of lip glosses/lip balms/lip sticks, pretty much all in the same shade! (I quickly put on some gloss in order to at least try and emulate a little glamour and salvage any chance of him finding me attractive - quite a lot is riding on this one slick of gloss aptly named 'Blush'- the pressure is on) I start pulling out packet after packet of Paracetamol, I have a great excuse because I'm ill but really this is my hangover stash! Obviously I have my giant banana phone case in my bag - now infused with hummus to go with its synthetic Bananary smell, two dirty forks and a bread knife(?!) two tampons, one of which had broken free from its packaging and was now demonstrating what it's purpose was by using hummus...not embarrassing at all! Endless receipts, pens, 2 calculators (mathslexia) a broken pencil case containing 0 pencils but lots of hummus, lots of my hair stuck to everything, tissues, various half eaten sweets covered in tobacco even though I don't smoke (wtf) and the pièce de résistance- a dirty pair of socks! Not even nice socks, greying, stained grubby socks, the socks of a 9yr old boy in 1998 when kids actually played outside. No idea how they got there or why they were there, can only imagine they crawled in there themselves!
 
But with every cloud there is a silver lining, being the expert on being single I know you have to take every opportunity when it comes to meeting Mr Right. Mr Right is currently of form of glittery eyed support worker who has just witnessed me being a massive twat but is still smiling at me and hasn't looked physically disgusted...yet. So I announce very loudly to a member of staff that my name is 'KITTY LOPEZ on FACEBOOK' 3-5X (just to be sure he's got it) My normal voice is about 5 decibels louder than most humans, so you can imagine at this point I'm probably deafening everyone in the room. I even put on a Spanish accent at one point...I'm not entirely sure why but it felt right. I'm not 100% sure if I was looking at him at the time as I was still trying to act 'cool' (I have no idea why considering today's turn of events) I may have been glaring at him with my eyes as wide as they could go to ensure he understood the message being directed at him...either way half an hour later BOOM A FRIEND REQUEST FROM GLITTERY EYES!!! Yaaaaaay sometimes it pays to be a dick!

Yours nearly married
Kitty Lo
XXXX


1 comment:

  1. Hahaha. I'll never be able to look humus in the eye again.

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