Thursday, 14 May 2015

The Bogie man.

I need Vodka.
It's been a hard day in the life of me, was going swimmingly well till about 1.00. I was prancing about happily with my lovely students, cracking jokes, singing songs, generally acting like a twat - as per. When my student somehow completely by accident try's to walk past me, in doing so he trips me up but I don't just fall quickly and once and get it over and done with like a normal person oooooh no! I (in slow motion) swim around in the air for a while, arms flailing, first teetering backwards into said student. Trying to avoid collapsing on top of the poor boy I pushed forward and in doing so putting so much pressure on my ankle (yes because I'm THAT heavy) that it gave way releasing my body in what can only be described as a splat to the floor...face down. Brilliant. As everyone howled with laughter I gave a little cry and declared my ankle as 'broken' because if you are going to fall, one should always do it with conviction. With a dramatic flare and complete commitment to the role. Of course my students all know me well enough to know my ankle was not broken, and they are performing arts students and so, of course they would have done the same. 
My next debacle was seeing a guy picking his nose...and I mean digging for treasure! He wasn't just having a little twitch, you know when you can feel a bat in the cave so you discreetly try and brush it away? Ho no! He might as well have had his whole hand up there, I unceremoniously nick named him 'Kanye West' (although 'shovel fingers' and 'the bogie man' were also good contenders) so as any good social media user would, I filmed him...he was so deep into his world of snot,bogies, buried treasure and (probably) brains, he didn't notice me. That is until I thought he had left and was loudly announcing it to my friend, who - bless her- thought it was her! I kept on reassuring her saying 'no no it's not you, it was that guy!' Till I noticed her eyes getting really big and she kept pointing behind me, at that moment all my students are falling about, laughing their heads off and then came the pantomime whisper 'He's behind you!' Oh yes he was! As I peeled my eyeballs off of my friends face and collected my lower jaw from the table top I cringed so hard, I swear my eyelashes stuck together. I felt so bad for the poor kid but it all turned out ok because he hasn't noticed. Of course not, because he was back again digging his fist up his right nose! *shudders*

On the way home a car splashed me. I saw it happen before it happened you know? I saw a car go through the puddle and splash and I thought to myself...that's NOT happening to me. So I sped up to get past the ginormous puddle but seemingly as I sped up, so did the next car!!! I also would swear on a bible that I saw the car swerve into the puddle to create maximum damage. Bastards. I couldn't if I had possibly tried at all to be more of a lower class, fatter, embarrassing, Essex, Bridget Jones. It was like my body slowed in horror. The drivers eyes seemed to gleam at me as I was doused in cold, dirty and polluted water.

Things happen in threes right? That's my lot for a while yeah? oh no...I went home and made a pizza, I added chips and baked beans on top. (Don't judge me) a carb cuddle - from the inside...I was then viciously attacked by a frozen tub of ORGANIC double cream!! I was actually attacked by 'The cure' there are no more words.

Ever doomed, ever humiliated

Kitty Lo

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